See That Guy? He's Your Boyfriend

Word Salad - 46

2011-09-06T11:49:00.000-07:00

Salad hyenas used before characterizations with mutes and muses alike.
Intuitive, Regional, clandestine and forensic with natural tendencies to forgo the precluded.
Never the only, and not yet the foremost, taken with salt and blemish as are we as we are...
Fortune's smiles and maybe not have befallen down upon your knees knowing rising up is the only answer,
having forgotten the question. Fragments from Venues and Venus either yearning with tartar covered
steak tar tare or some such.
Majestic, future, forlorn and with due respect to the ninja.
You know who you ARE!!!

I do know who I am! And it's someone with no wish to be covered in steak tartare or any other meat.

Thanks to Miss Plumcake for the awesome Mr. Salad.

DESIGNER BOOT IS WHAT SHE WERE'S..... - 40

2011-09-05T09:43:00.000-07:00

stomp's her feet like she doesn't care
the wink in her eye tell's the truth
while telling me i should of know it
dancing in the street like a child
dreaming of the day's when she was wild
to bee by my side for the last mile
now at peace she home for a while

PS no pic no reply and
put area in subject

Yes, my little chickadees, your Aunty Jane is back.

I am saving a place at the table for you : ~) - 57 (SW Burbs ONLY)

2010-04-06T20:10:00.000-07:00

I am saving a place at the table for you : ~) - 57 (SW Burbs ONLY)

Throughout history many have said, “Confession is Good for the Soul”. (((LOL))) … However whoever started that saying, has never posted a personal ad on CL before, as that activity can often be compared to a Person Death Wish, … so don’t expect anything too deep here from me (((LOL))).

Furthermore … let’s all start with a valuable piece of communication. If you read an ad that really isn’t asking for you; almost by name, please move on quietly as that writer just did you a favor by not wasting your time.

~~~ Things That May or May NOT Work For Me Are ~~~

[ ] If you are NOT naturally happy, healthy and funny; because I am, … do us both a favor ~ Go Away!

[ ] If you are wearing granny panties RIGHT NOW, have ever owned more than One Pair of Birkenstocks at any one time or “Smiled Warmly” when someone used the term: BBW (need I really say what that actually means to the guys) while describing you, … that clearly speaks volumes … Go Away!

[ ] If you have ever told anyone; with Great Pride, that you might have prepared for 6-wks. before taking a simple on the spur of the moment trip up to Seattle for possibly just a 3-day weekend … Just Go ~ Go Away and please stop talking about how you simply love the beach, traveling … etc!

[ ] If you live on the eastside of the Willamette River and/or within Portland City limits, … Go Away!

[ ] If are just too darn old and slow to ever happily climb up onto the back of a nice motorcycle with a smile; that is not my fault, … Go Away, … don’t look back, and may you soon be remembered by your friends and family well at your upcoming passing with a nice smile!

[ ] If you think that being asked to be the next Bingo Captain/Caller on Wednesday nights at the local church is something to look forward to in life, … Please go Away; as I will never be that old!

[ ] If you thought it was Progressively cool; and very~very trendy too, to join the second-coming of the Jim Jones Democrap Family party in Washington DC … you are on your own in my opinion (((LOL)))!!!

[ ] If; just to add a little more, you haven’t earned your place at the table, … and you can only live within a world where the Obamanation has to cut the legs off of honest, hard working Americans so you can be “seen” as their equal … that is really pathetic! Q: Why should I hand you ½ of my earnings; via your party’s abusive taxes, while you pay nothing at all, while pretending that your progressive socialism is what made America great. Keep in mind, we both have a right to be Free Americans; to do our very best everyday and nothing more. However that does not mean that you have the right to stick your hand in my pocket just whenever you feel like it ~ Get it!

Well, … there is more; there is (((always))) more when it comes to me, and yet the above should get the conversation going. The usual appropriate NONs apply and (((No PIC/ No Chat))) is required too. As for the 95% or more of those that this ad does not speak; directly, to keep your chin up, your heart open and don’t stop looking, as there is hopefully someone out there for you too. Take care : ~)

Dude, I just don't even...I mean, I bet you're all hairy and dandruffy and fallout-sheltery, and fuck, man, you're making me feel all Holden Caulfield over here. And that is not a good look at my age.

Why do all the good guys finish last??? - 22 (Salem)

I mean exactly what I say, why do we finish last as nice guys. When did it become not cool to comment on how nice a lady looks or open the door for her, or fall asleep talking to her on the phone. This is me in a nutshell. I see couples walking around all the time with the boyfriend being a complete douchebag. I don't get it. Yeah i'm not the best looking guy in the world, but i put forth the effort to make sure that you're happy. My name is Jason, and my friends say I try to be the asshole but deep down in the teddy bear. Bad boy? Yes. Good guy? Yes. I would like to think that i'm a combination of all personalities. Fun, happy, sad, mad, ecsentric, outgoing, shy, whatever. Look i'm not here to make myself out to be the best. But i will try my hardest. I love all kinds of music, Fall Out Boy, Manu Chou, Rocky Horror Picture Show, i could go on but i could go forever.....that's what she said! Anyways i love to go out and experience something new everyday, whether its a different way home or just doing my job differently. I like to go get the occasional drink at the bar or sit in my backyard with a beer and a smoke. Yes i smoke cigerettes, although i am 420 friendly as well. Anyways, if you wanna know more, i am an open book so just ask, i just wanna meet someone who is chill and relaxed, who likes to go out or stay under the covers and cuddle. That wont judge me. That laugh alot and just be themselves. AND PLEASE PUT IN YOUR SUBJECT LINE WHAT YOUR FAVORITE BAND IS PLEEEEASE

Kids, your Auntie was a child in Salem. And it was a glorious place to be a child-- wonderful parks, libraries, safe streets to play.... I moved away when I was eleven.

Whenever I meet someone who grew up there they always say "Yeah, there's just nothing to do but beer and meth." So that's why you're finishing last, Jason. YOU'RE IN FUCKING SALEM. And we won't even mention the doucheface. Go Away!

Star seed looking for his other half

2010-01-22T22:10:00.000-08:00

Star seed looking for his other half - 26 (Earth)

We are all 'star seeds', or 'star people' as we all have lived in many realities in many planetary systems and in higher realms as other life forms. So here we are, star seeds, souls sparks on a mission, trapped for NOW in a physical experience.

Starseeds allegedly seed planets with information and spiritual frequency when one cycle of time is about to end and another begin. As planetary frequency increases, so too does their levels of awareness, and need to help others, and return to their natural state of being, a soul spark of light.

There is little connection to the mainstream systems of society, religious, political or economic. Creativity is the key to spiritual fulfillment and mission.

Many prefer to work only in the esoteric fields - healing, searching for their own truths and their soul mission through studying systems of higher wisdom, writing their biographies as a means of clearing issues and understanding their work here and now.

They await a great awakening the evolution of consciousness through the alchemy of time. They know that no one has the date for us to move into levels of higher frequency but their souls tell them that it is on the horizon. They are programmed to find others like themselves, as based on similar frequencies and predestined agendas.......................

I know your out there, I feel it. If Any one understands this AT ALL. Contact me.

All we have is NOW

It's true! I am writing my biography as a means of clearing issues! Such as how it really is all my mother's fault, and how my ex-boyfriend is a massive tool, rather than having one. I'm really looking forward to having this all sorted.

OMG, you guys! This is your Auntie Jane's soul mission. I WILL WRITE AN EPIC BIOGRAPHY TO CLEAR UP ALL THE WAYS THAT I AM RIGHT AND YOU ARE WRONG.

Starseed, thank you for sharing this galactically awesome wisdom with me.

person of interest is interested in you - 56 (give attention get attention)

2009-11-24T15:04:00.000-08:00

person of interest is interested in you - 56 (give attention get attention)
I am writing to just you. Why? You are the only one here. You are the one funny, smart, nice woman all wrapped up in a Tiffphony box on C/L.
Me? The luckiest guy in the world to spend time with you.
Gooble. Gooble.
You will see me at the parade. I will be my own float.

1) I have to say, Tiffphony is GENIUS. We all know those women, am I right?

2) Gooble? This just makes me think of turkey time in Gigli. Bleargh.

3) Aren't we all our own floats, really, when it comes right down to it?

Winner, Winner Chicken Dinner

2009-10-25T13:56:00.000-07:00

Another lame round-up post, sorry kiddiewinks. School's kicking my butt this term. Anyhoo..

I want to smell you fart - 30

Hi, I am fairly new to the area, attractive guy, 30, and would like to find a fun woman to enjoy time with.

Seriously, dude? That's the best you can do?

38 Years Old Never Kissed a Girl - 39

Looking for a Woman, must be at Least 28 Years old and Less than 50.

Must posses a Mountain Bike or something similar for easy rides up and down the Fire roads of Forest Park.

Must like to have Beer afterwards or enjoy a good glass of wine or take a 420 break, it doesn't bother me.

I think I'm gonna need something stronger than a beer.

chrastian man - 41

I like to go to church, I love God. I have jus t finished my first Book it is about about Jesus. I like to ride horses, quads, and spend time out doors. if you like what you see sofar drop me a line.

Honey, sweetie, darlin', don't you think if you're such a good Christian, maybe you should learn how to spell it?

For extra schadenfreude, all these men are from my actual dating pool!

Gorgeous Man Seeks Ugly Woman

2009-09-30T10:21:00.000-07:00

I'm tired of dating beautiful yet shallow women, who only go out with me because I am extremely good-looking.

When I go out for beers with my friends (who are better, more interesting people than I), hot women will approach only me -- never my friends. I'm sick of it. So I resolve to date only ugly women. I don't care if you're fat, handicapped, a burn victim, old, or Puerto-Rican. You just have to have a great personality. Please send a photo so I can be sure you're not a supermodel.

Please respond with UGLY in the subject line so I know you're not a spammer.

Even Puerto Rican girls, huh? Well, that's mighty white of you. Your momma must be so proud.

And the cat you rode in on!

2009-09-29T21:10:00.000-07:00

Fuck you and your pay-per-view pussy!!! - 37 (Prontown)

Seriously! Fucking seriously, I will pay $20 to any live girl that meets me for coffee in any borough of the Portland metro area. That's right, if you're in Oregon city, I'll come to your local coffee shop and pay you 20 fucking dollars just for being a real god damn woman. Hell I'll even buy your god damn skinny hazelnut machiato fucking drink. I am so sick of these fucktard spambots and join my webcam site bitches. Seriously, are there any real women on here? Any??? (over 18 only please)

About time someone recognized my worth as a real god damn woman! Meet me at Peet's in 20....

DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT LONELYNESS IS

2009-09-28T12:47:00.000-07:00

HERE I AM,IM 43,WHEN MY DAD DIED 10 YEARS AGO MY BROTHER CAME UP HERE AND MOVED MY MOM DOWN TO NEVADA.ALL I HAVE IS MY 14 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER.THATS IT.I HAVE NO FRIENDS BECAUSE WHEN I KICKED MY GIRLFRIEND OF 6 YEARS OUT WHAT FRIENDS I HAD TOOK HER SIDE.SO I HAVE NO ONE AT ALL.IM JUST A DECENT GUY LOOKING FOR A DECENT WOMAN,NOT ALOT TO ASK.IM NOT VIOLENT OR A RAPIST OR A STALKER.JUST ONE OF THE DECENT ONES LEFT.I LOVE MUSIC AND SEEING BANDS AND OTHER STUFF BUT NOT GOING TO GET INTO THAT NOW.IF YOU MESSAGE ME PLEASE INCLUDE A PHONE NUMBER SO I KNOW YOU ARE REAL,SO AM I.THANKS FOR READING.

Ever have those nights when you're home alone, drinking Arbor Mist and going to town with the Ped-Egg while watching The Muppet Show on Youtube? Feel better about yourself now? That's what the internet is for, dearies. Reminding us that no matter how lame we are...there's always someone lamer.

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

2009-09-17T18:31:00.000-07:00

Kiddiewinks, today is a banner day. Your Auntie has unearthed some serious li-ter-a-CHURE.

'please read' temptations arise by a hopeless romantic (passionet in oregon)

I never writen a poem befor so please dont laff ok you can if you want to i think its not very good

temptations arise heart aik and pain subsadize

fame and fortune come and go matters of the heart live on we know searching for or soulmates going on many dates lost in this unaverse full of love and pain sometime i think we all go aliitle insane matters of the heart never fade they always stay the same longing for that warm embrace as you slowly touch ones face a gentle kiss to ones lips softly yet passionet as are hearts reach for the moon and are souls see shooting stars two people fall inlove like a soring white dove happyn ess is to bee if only we can see o wont you come to me my princes to be your truly a hopeless romantic

Awww, honey, that's, um, real nice.
just one of my thoughts - 30

LOnely side of the road,back , bent, broken, the sun has taken it's toll,,,, now the clouds cry and weep, to tir ed to get up ,, back on his feet, looks to the sky ask why , no reply clouds just cry , highway lonely place written all over his face , tumble weed blowing in the wind tossed around a gain again, and again, nowhere called home so alone I roam north east south west no direction I like best , so i collapes, lie there coverd with dust ddig me up , was it a treasure you fou nd or just something that grew died feel to the ground,, but still hope that one day his angel will appear tame me far from here , from all the noise , just my angels voice saying , close your eyes my dear , for I am your angel , and I am here............................................................................ any angels out there.....

Whoa there, cowboy, step away from the Precious Moments porn.

A Nubian Queen...

I would like to meet a pretty black female 2 5-35 yrs. old. I think you will find me to be a good looking white guy, and I have have dated black women previously. Enjoy the poem below. Please respond with a pic and I will send mine. Thank you.

Corn rows & mealie silk...
Why do you suffer the look of my eyes
with such intent/ does their brutal blue
inspire you somehow? Why do you
flaunt the curves of your brown body
to the whip of my stare/ does it make you
a star? There's your mind whose soul,
like the singing wind, can never be
possessed/ beauty is no excuse for love/
with crimson and mocha, let's fashion this
union, and bond in a mosaic ampersand/
let my white sea trap the isles of your eyes,
and your sun's vitamin thaw the polar caps
about me/ let's do it now, feeding from
one another, whatever may come.

Ok, she's not quite a queen yet, but may I suggest Princess?
She's a terrific asset, and even has modeling experience!

And srsly, "flaunt the curves of your brown body to the whip of my stare"? Way to creepily fetishize the brutal enslavement of millions, dude.

Sometimes you just make me sad...

2009-09-15T21:41:00.000-07:00

Y'all, I went looking for guys tonight. Maybe it's just getting near my Special Princess Time, but all the ads just make me want to cry.

Idiot seeking someone - 20

My name’s Steve. I’m a pathetic little loser with no prospects, no purpose, and no real reason to get up in the morning. I’m looking for a special someone.

Please Someone Like Me - 27

I'm desperate. No woman wants me. I can't really blame them. Please anyone...

to the womans that answered my ad (fishing for tuna)

Ty for all the lovely pictures of the ironing boards but no i don't want to go to another site to see them.No the house does not have a security system or curtains.Why do you think i want you to move in.Please when responding next time include your phone number.I am a pecker not a typer,so it would be easier on my pecker just to call you.Please help me to save my pecker by including your phone number.The house is located in bustling gainsville beside a fish man that will call you sexy names.ty for your reponses and for helping me to save my pecker

By the way, if you image search "tuna pecker" you get about what you'd expect...

flag all you im still looking - 31

2009-09-03T14:18:00.000-07:00

looking for a lady that is ok with me wearring diapersi am looking for a good woman that is ok with me wearring diapers from time to time its not a baby thing just a way for me to relive some stress and a little controll of thise world around me .Iam 31 6.0" short blond brown hair gotee blue eyes around 215# i like doing most of the regular things such as movies camping cuddling on the couch and i can cook real good hopping to find someone that is ok with the way i relive stress if your intrested or have questions i would love to hear from you yes i have a pic and will trade fore yours i didnt post one not every one is ok with this so i try to keep it to myself and the ones that are ok with it

Now, your Auntie cannot deny that she needs to relieve (but not relive, FFS!) some stress from time to time. BUT I DRINK SOME ARBOR MIST AND LOOK AT KITTENS ON THE INTERNET LIKE A NORMAL PERSON!

But I do have to give the adult babies props for having their own gang sign:

need all women size 8 - 38

2009-09-03T14:03:00.000-07:00

Need good looking women, in general size 8 in paticular, have like 15 pairs of jeans to sell all major brands levis ect. all perfect condition, 15 bucks a pair, and if you look real good will make you a deal, you can't refuse.bobby

Meth-head and mom jeans? I am all over that. Maybe Bobby can come between me and my Calvins...

Jesus Man - 29 (In the middle of your heart!)

2009-08-31T21:20:00.000-07:00

I love Jesus! I love Children, and I love toms! Especially Gray Toms!!!!! Seriously. Jesus is amazing! PTL for Toms, and My life is children. Youth ministry all the way!

Listen, ducks, your Auntie Jane has a confession. I did not have the faintest idea what a Gray Tom was when it was at home. First my mind went, as it so often does, to pussy...

Then to some weird sex act that I couldn't quite picture, possibly involving a sootikin...

But when I couldn't find anything on urbandictionary.com, I heaved my mind out of the gutter and realized it was a shoe.

Thanks for getting me all worked up over nothing, Jesus Man!

Also, while google-imaging for a good Jesus-suffering-the-little-brats figurine, I discovered that you can buy all sorts of goodies for the Jesus Man in your life at My Special Place. Jesus...My Special Place...hmm, haven't seen The Exorcist in a while...

Want Your Cure before the New Depression Blues? Try out Country Carl - 45

2009-08-11T14:39:00.000-07:00

Want Your Cure before the New Depression Blues? Try out Country Carl

WOMEN I have been through - You can google me up
under COUNTRY CARL or go to CountryCarl dot Com
to see more Photos

You can also use the E-mail address on the Web Site
ALWAYS SEND a PHOTO for sure... I'M NOT BLIND

1) No dunken melancholy drama queens who go to court

2) No sleepless druggies who's friends never leave

3) No more than one small car load of kids

4) No wrecking my car or giant mystery dents

5) No hammering my credit cards

6) No pets that won't be friends

7) No partying while I sleep

8) No chain smokers unless you have a humongous fan

9) No collect calls

10) NO YOU can't go ON The ROAD

YES I'm a singer/songwriter and you don't have to
love my music but it is really a good idea to know some of the lyrics
and the names of a few of the songs.

Ladies, Country Carl is the living embodiment of our cultural zeitgeist. If your Auntie Jane weren't currently so busy with the younguns, she'd be all over this fine recession-proof man. Just listen to his song stylings...

Lasagne As A Lubricant - 52

2009-08-07T16:47:00.000-07:00

Let your imagination run wild.......I did it- I said it- I meant it- and I'd do it again.....I am an unabashed pasta-a-phile........To heck with walks on the beach- and holding hands in public...That's a bunch of rubish......I utilize Gods given flavors as a reason to roll over- and pooch your hips up- and take it like an Italian(although I'm full Irish-American)........There are SO many things you can do with a noodle.......You can bake it- baste it- paste it- then masticate it.........Left-overs never had it so good.......So if you want to post your fluffy/sappy/whiney self absorbed diatribes on CL hoping to zero in on your incomplete love-list- along with your pre-conceived notions of what "love" is- and your unrealistic expectations of what it takes to win your affections- simply because you've been given a V-shaped patch of fur- then go right ahead.......But if you're looking for "pasta love" - Then look no further....Nothing says "love" like Lasagne.........And to then willingly- and gleefully attend to each other in this most culinarial manner- is to experience that which has yet to be iterated to the masses.........I hope to be a "beacon for sneakin'"- that which is usually left for the following day - In short - I believe Lasagne has many more utilizations than has ever before been considered.....And so I ask you to consider this - I am yours for the bakin'(I mean- "takin'")..........Anyways - Let no Lasagne be left unbunned.......Nothing feels as tintilating as a smack on the back-side- which has been previously slathered with lasagne.....And with that- I'll leave you to your imagination - I know I've got mine......Your pic will certainly accentuate that which I've just intimated.........Bye for now, Lazarus Latimure Lasagmier

Oooh, baybee... I had a little Italian in me last night, and i wouldn't mind doing it again...

Here's my picture:

Awww. Mr. Douchebag!

2009-08-06T09:35:00.000-07:00

BRIGHT EYES is giving me a headache-Aritst Wants Muse (Studio of Art)

'Let's Get Lost' ~Chet Baker

This is for the Females who Know...nuff said...

I have been posting on the 'Men Seeking Women' CL for quite some time. But, I have finally figured out what type of woman that I want. I have tried the serious approach and the humorous side of things. I'm throwing out the humor for the serious (for this post). You and I will live the NYC, SAN FRAN, PARIS, BERLIN lifestyle to the tenth degree. How does that sound? Good? Good!

You must be into the ARTS, and you will have that chic/hip/styish vibe going on...like Shannyn Sossoman, Sade, Audrey, Lisa Bonet (post Cosby), and of course part skater chick, part sosphistication. I DON'T want the 'white trash' getting lost thing, I'm too much of a snob for that (my own kind of snobbery). It's the Drugstore Cowboy, My Own Private Idaho, Midnight Cowboy type vibe going on here. Existential, Philosophical, with wit and Intelligence and beauty thrown into one big MAD ride.

Thrift store chic, with Highbrow ideals and ideas. You with me so far? If you're the 'right' chick, you know what I'm talking about. You have seen it in the Foreigin/Indie Films, or have lived it, or fantasized about living it. BUT, this is NO fantasy, this will be real. Do you want to get 'LOST?'

Think of The Cure's 'Pornography' album, Christian Death's first album, the Doors first album, The Swans, and the Velvet Underground. And we'll throw in some Miles, Parker, Coltrane, Massive Attack, Ambient Groove etc.

Intimacy is a must for this relationship to work. Intimacy in the way of trust, loyalty, sincerity, and empathy.

It's not about the next fix, it's about reaching the ethereal heights that THIS life has to offer. BLISS...without Heaven. Back to the womb. Go back to the water where we came from...

This is not the hippie way, this is the Hardcore way. Hardcore Ivy League with Street smarts.

Hi, Mr Douchebag! Good to see you again! Still no luck finding the model/muse/genius with no critical thinking skills of your dreams? I'm sorry, baby. I'll say a little prayer for you the next time I'm in the adorably freckled arms of my 24 year old Spanish/Norwegian banker loooovair...kiss kiss!

Dr.Cosmo Getting Real Honest

2009-06-22T21:25:00.000-07:00

Darlings...

I know you get fed up with the long, long posts, but sometimes a man is too delicious to pass up. So for this gent, I will highlight what I feel are his most charming utterances for your reading pleasure, and only the most dedicated need read every word. Now, for Dr. Cosmo:

I've been trying this craigslist thing for about two weeks now without much success, trying to be witty, charming, erudite, and just plain strange frankly. SO, I figured I'd just get real and be as honest as I can. I've always said honesty is the best policy, and it's high time I lived up to that.

I really want a mate, my other half, someone who complements my personality type, and I hers. I was faithfully married for 16 years to a woman 11 years older than I, and we recently divorced each other, long after fledging her 3 teens.

I tried another dating site, singlesnet, and got frustrated with being able to "flirt", but not actually getting to talk with someone without paying an enormous fee. When I got email that directed me to several other "free" dating sites, and I got plugged right back into the sign-up page for singlesnet, I got angry and resigned.

Using deception to sell things is just plain wrong. If the sales pitch is hinky, chances are very good the product is as well. And besides, their matching program is flawed, trying to group me with women around my own age, and that just doesn't work for me.

SO, I came across hornymatches, and thought, hmmmmm, well, I can list my preferences, be open about it, and it won't hurt me to say no, and perhaps I might get to say YES! Oh, and the profile pictures are more interesting as well! :) If you found this ad because you saw my hornymatches handle in the header, HI THERE! Now you have a way to reach me without paying an arm and a leg to do anything more than "wink" at me! ;)

There are a surprising number of people like me, wanting a long term relationship, but are frank about the fact that they have a sex drive. They are being honest that it is an important element in wanting a relationship with someone. The whole guy/gal dance is around that central fact, and the rest is just lifestyle preferences, the things that keep you close, or drive you away from that central issue.

Getting real here. I lied on that site. I am NOT 46 as listed, I'm actually 55. I come from a very slow to age and long-lived genetic stock, and when most people learn of my age, they compare me to ordinary people, that are nearly dead, sickly, and used up at my current chronological age, and I'm just getting started! I didn't put my age in the banner, because you might think I was "normal" and too old for you without checking me out first.

I won't start to sag and wrinkle for another 10 or 15 years, and if my ancestors are any indicator of my future, I will live strong and healthy well into my 80's, and begin to wilt in my 90's, if I don't get killed first slamming my motorcycle into a car running a red light, or my reserve parachute fails to open.

Most of my successful long term relationships have been with older women, because women hit their sexual peak at a much later age than guys (and then they decline as their hormones do). I need someone younger than me now, because I'm still horny as hell, I will be for some time to come, and I want kids.

Being older gives me perspective, knowledge, skills, and a more settled emotional structure, that doesn't need to be insecure or jealous. AND I know every sensual spot on a woman, some she doesn't even know exists! Being trained by older women has advantages! :)

My goal is to find and be with my one true love, and if you want to get closer to me, that should be your goal as well. I am willing to take the test drive, you wouldn't buy a car without doing so, why chose a life partner going into it blind?

Facts: I am arrow straight and large, not a porn star monster, but big enough that there are places I can't go now. There are no virgins in my future, I do NOT like to cause pain! Anal is pretty much out of the question as well, just too damn painful for anyone without a medical problem in that area, and NO, I will NOT send you a picture!

I have mastered sexual self-control, and can make love for hours. Well, with a proper amount of alcohol in me, I'm an ordinary minute-man otherwise, so mornings will be "quickies".
I have herpes. I caught it when I was 19 before anyone knew what it was. I don't see it for years in between now, usually because of heavy stress, and/or poor diet. When it recurs, it's just a single itchy spot of reddened skin, with no blisters. I am non-transmissive when not inflamed, determined by an OSHU study that I participated with in the 80's, and I can't catch it from you if you are also HSV positive. 40% of the human race is immune, determined by the fact that you got a cold sore once, probably as a kid, and never again, and you are safe with us unlucky 60% of the 90% of the human race that has been (or will be) exposed (usually oral, same bug, different location).

I am extremely intelligent, energetic, talented, musical, emotional, loving, almost pathologically faithful once in a relationship, dependant, gregarious, empathic (I feel your pleasure, so tripping your trigger, especially when you go full auto, feels VERY good to me!), and very honest when I can be myself around those who accept me as I am.

This has gotten a bit long, so if you want to know more about me, please write. I will quickly scare away anyone not suited for me, but we will know if we are right for each other rather soon, because you will be as intelligent, psychic, ribald, and as fun to be with as I am!

Thanks for exposing yourself to the real me, have a good day now! ;)

Pictures ...My face shot is current (with 15 more lbs. on my frame, now 6'2", 190 lbs), and my new "Space Navy" bean variety, now in garden trials by the Gurney's Seed company.

I'm sure you will agree with me that while that is a LOT of information, we will all feel a frisson on that day when we finally encounter the Space Navy Bean in the produce section.

Real genius needs help...

2009-06-07T08:56:00.000-07:00

Real genius needs help...

I am...

I admit it. I don't know everything, but I know this --- I am a creative genius.

I am stolen from all the time. (If there is anything that I owe, it is for finally having to deal directly with this.)

Believe it or not, I also used to be a model.

Bottom line --- I need someone to lie to me and tell me everything is going to be O.K. (while I'm making it o.k.)

I can also make you o.k. --- I swear it...

You'll never know anyone else like me, for now; and in the future, I'll need you to say "I knew the original". This is no "LTR", once I know of you, I don't forget. You may not know what that means, but - I - won't forget.

My intentions are to provide you a safe life experience, meaning most all exit strategies are calculated. These are decidedly more acceptable than never knowing our world as I imagine.

I will be honest with you.
I will provide you future relationships no one has even invented yet.

Please contact me, and “we'll” plan --- I see a board game, and one of those loose, rough voluntary agreements to refer one another amongst our friends, until we're satisfied…?

A sense of adventure and good looks required.

Do you want to play??

Now, my little hedgehogs, we can all agree that Auntie Jane is an adventurous kind of girl. I'll admit, it's quite intriguing to think of a man who can make everything o.k. and provide me with experiences I never dreamed of. And a safe life experience! Well, that just sounds so cozy and reassuring!

And yet, some faint, far-off alarm bells are ringing in my head....Sigh, what to do?

Looking for a nice girl for my very shy son

2009-05-26T13:07:00.000-07:00

Looking for a nice girl for my very shy son

(SPAMMERS WILL BE DELETED W/O BEING READ) I was hoping there is a nice S/W/F girl out there who would be willing to meet up with my son. He is extremely shy and I know he will not do this on his own. He is 23 years old, 5'10 180 N/s social drinker only and works out every day. He has a regular job and his own place but stays very much to himself because he basically grew up with a father/ man image in his life. If you are a kind and gentle female who is looking for a guy who doesn't only have one thing in mind (lol) like most men do, and would like to meet a quiet, kind, thoughtful guy who likes to take his dogs to the park, bowl, just have fun, etc. then let me know and I will share more info with you and his pictures. I would like to know your stats too and also see a picture of you. I was hoping to find someone by 4th of July weekend so that maybe my husband and I and the two of you can all spend the weekend together doing something fun like taking a ride to the mountains or beach and bike ride or raft, camp etc... This is real, so you be too. and let me know if this sounds interesting to you... He doesn't know i am doing this so we will introduce you as a daughter of my new husbands friend and he won't know this is how we found you.

Yeah. That doesn't sound creepy at all...

Daughter wanted - m4w - 60

2009-05-21T14:19:00.000-07:00

Daughter wanted - m4w - 60

At this point in life I would like to create a legacy to leave on Earth.

After 20 years of working to improve my health and those around me..(great success with myself but little success with others).

10 years of working to improve the world - environment, socially, emotionally.

What I want to do is create with a young woman a paradise on 2.5 acres preferable surrounded by like minded people in a community. A small house, two (maybe cob) a garden, a woodlands, a fruit orchard, green fence, green house etc. The woman (you?) can use the property to attract a prince and start a family. Me, I get to live out my life on the land and be naturally buried on the land (perhaps be reincarnated as a descendant of you and your prince.)

Sound strange - just please move on.

Sound intriguing please read the ringing cedar series of
Anastasia books.

If this resonants with you please respond with how this idea resonants with you.

Thank you.

As our beloved Plumcake recently said, "Princesses are real estate deals with ovaries attached." Ok, being a princess usually means owning a bitchin' tiara, but dang. Is it really worth it to be trapped out in BFE with a creepy old dude?

Ok, maybe in this economy...

Mail Order Bride wanted

2009-05-13T20:51:00.000-07:00

Mail Order Bride wanted- 47

Seeking younger woman (age 20 or so) with one daughter (age two or so). Is ok to want more kids as I love kids. Divorced very nice business owner seeks a life again after wife left (after 23 years and three kids) for greener pastures. Large comfy home and very stable environment in the suburbs for the little one. Club membership with pool year round, summer local pool access and way more. Two High School boys at home ages 14 and 16 - great kids. Please message me if you are around the age (give or take) that I seek and willing to be a faithful wife. I always wanted a girl but got all boys. Slender to average is preferred - no heavyweights. This is available RIGHT NOW. Hope to hear from you soon - picture appreciated.

Um. Weirdly specific much? Auntie's a little creeped out now. Let's you and me go to a happier place.

Oh yeah. That's better.

I post a lot not munipulate or hard-up

2009-05-09T21:16:00.000-07:00

I post a lot not munipulate or hard-up I am just a good guy, for real - 53

Yes i can imagine the trash male and female which comes across the internet
And it hurts good guys such as my self an old army veteran who served
for a free nation

People are and must be cautious of the stuff which is out there in internet
space

I am however a for real person

You know 30 years ago if you said hello ladies call me and lets go do coffee the phone
would be ringing of the table

Or if you said you were as friendly and had a heart as big as Hoss Cartwright who
played on the Western Bananza, those return emails would be zipping right through the
OLE personal computers

But now days It is 360 degrees different people blocking you, people saying I am
not interested

It is just amazing how the internet system has changed and how it has really
gotten very difficult to meet new friends via the PC

But i must drive on and persue the opportunity to meet new friends now that
i have relocated to the west coast here in vancouver, washington

so here goes

Hello there

My name is Steve Miller from Vancouver, and I do live in Vancouver and I am 53 years old with a birthday of Feb 22.

I am not afraid to leave you with my phone number (edited, 'cause dude.)

I am armed forces retired and I am a blue collar worker in Portland (local truck driver)refered to a transfer driver where I take a rent-a-truck or tractor to a customer or another rent-a-truck branch.

It is day shift unless I go on a over nighter, ususally have weekends off, pretty good gig for a army retired guy.

I am built like Hoss Cartwright from the western bananza
probably have more hair on top and I wear a ball cap where he wore a cowboy hat; however the build is the same so if you can not remember what Hoss Looked Like then ask a friend or you could watch a re-run smile lol.

I wear my hair short by choice and have no beard or mustache
by choice and I am a blue jean and pull over or front up button shirt, loafer wearing guy.

I am Low Keyed, spontanious, good listener, but bad eye contact
type of guy, but working on it

I do like doing most of the basics.

I do not abuse alcohol and do not smoke cigerettes or dope, but please feel free to smoke around me but please do not smoke dope around me, but that does not disqualifie you as a new friend if you do smoke pot I know many our age do.

I at 53 like to cuddle, hold hands and sit across from you at the coffee shopand talk and cut up.

I was born in Vancouver and was away for 33 years and came back to be nearer my 81 year old mother I don't live with her
I have a place of my own but that is why I relocated from the south back hear to where I was born.

Please feel free to keep in contact and add me as a friend

Thanks Steve Miller Vancouver

Ok, y'all, I know it's not real likely to be THE Steve Miller, since this dude claims not to be a midnight toker. But your Auntie Jane's gonna give him a call just in case. And if it is him, she's gonna take the money and run. Woo woo woo.

Need the help from a Very Attractive Female

2009-04-25T16:09:00.000-07:00

Need the help from a Very Attractive Female

My wife of almost 20 years has decided that she no longers wants to be married. We have 3 sons and she has run off to sow her wild oats. However we both have face book accounts and she is still listed as my friend. What I am looking for is a Beautiful woman who would be willing to invite me to be your friend on facebook so when my, what ever you would like to refer to her as, (she thinks she is a cougar) looks at my friend list she sees you and wonders who you are. If you are not willing to do this I understand but I would love for her to think that it took me no time at all to find a women that was more Beautiful than her.

I am waiting for your response with a picture

Oh, this modern love, with the Facebook and the Twitter and the Sexting and that thing with the person...oh, that monkey's gonna pay.

Ahem. Never fear, Auntie is here to help. This is the lovely Vera Krasikova. She is 25 and lives in Kiev. She is also single! Perhaps you can write to her, c/o the E-Russian Bridess Agency, and suggest that she will reach a larger volume of eligible American men with a Facebook account. It's a win-win situation for both of you!

obedient boy needs Female Cannibal

2009-04-23T17:17:00.000-07:00

obedient boy needs Female Cannibal obedient trained slave boy NEEDS Woman into control and with a Cannibal fetish. I am serious and will send pics. 5'10" 155lbs No Limits No outs

Auntie would like to know- does this mean that unlike most men, he WANTS you to bite him there?

We hear from the Villain himself!

2009-04-16T07:03:00.000-07:00

Hello,

I am the person who originally posted the this ad: http://seethatguy.blogspot.com/2009/02/villain-seeks-willing-damsel-in.html#comments on Chicago Craigslist. I periodically do a search to see if anyone on there has the audacious lack of imagination to plagiarize my postings and claim them as their own (which has happened before, and I am self-contentedly narcissistic enough to be curious as to who might be lame enough to do so). Imagine my amusement when my Internet inquiry turned up your blog, with my words and photo displayed upon it. Very droll!

However, I must take exception to attributing to me in your comment a fondness for a hack like Anne Rice (A. N. Roquelaure) or Ayn Rand (who I find mostly pretentious, although a much better wordsmith than Rice). Please, give me some credit!

At the very least, my posting made for a much more entertaining read than the crap clown poster http://seethatguy.blogspot.com/2009/01/okthats-it.html#comments and I my photo was more pleasing to they eye than THIS: http://seethatguy.blogspot.com/2009/01/fat-hairy-loves-guns.html .

Incidentally, whether it was what I wrote, or what they saw in my photo, the response to that posting was phenomenal—more than 300 respondents total. Of course, most of them had imaginations that far exceeded their tolerance, but I can afford to be selective given how I compare to the rest of the CL pickings (see, I said I was narcissistic, didn't I?).

Anyway, I was bored enough to take a break from my paying writing to indulge in some that is entirely frivolous to respond to your enshrinement of my Craigslist immortality. Be careful out there in the electronic wasteland; there are some weird ones lurking about, to be sure!

B

And this, my sparkling dewdrops, is why your Auntie loves the internets. People listen to what I say! It's hard to get such rapt attention in real life, at least until I hike up The Girls.

Darling Mr. Villain, Auntie Jane is so glad to hear that the ad is working for you. More tail for all!

And Now For Something Completely Different

2009-04-13T10:37:00.000-07:00

And Now For Something Completely Different

Okay I,m not looking for gypsies tramp,s or thief,s,hooker,s or women with fetishes or in any cult,or in committed or uncommitted relationship,s.I don,t except g or hot mail,Im only interested in an honest person that I can truly trust and expects the same. So, let,s start with I,m not working,I,don,t drive and I,do live with my aunt.Leagally I,m licensed to cut&style hair in Texas.Now I, know somewhere out there saying is this cat for real? All I,can say is MEOW so ,any takers or talker,s out there?Remember "The truth will set you free" "WARNING";side effect,s may include romance,with spontanious multigasm,s in rare case,s ,and LTR is possible

You're right- living with your aunt is completely different. Most guys live with their mom.

On the other hand, Auntie could use a new cut and curl...

a differant approach

2009-04-13T07:38:00.000-07:00

a differant approach

this is stuff i dislike

fashion, razors, steak, crowded beaches, bling, these fake holidays that are centered on fairytales, grammer, bars, all three of my dads, conclusions, those with one set of eyes that never try someone elses boots on,

this is stuff i like

ipods, combination beverages, playing games, the woods, my moms dogs, kissing necks, fruit(its so sexy) and maybe you

This is stuff I'm never gonna understand

speling, why noone ansers me

eyebrows and other things

2009-04-10T11:07:00.000-07:00

eyebrows and other things

this is to all women out there. please stop messing up your face by screwing with your eye brows. Im not talking about neglecting your unibrow or the stray hairs but stop treating them like a bonsai tree. If you are drawing crap onto them its so far from right its hopeless to talk about. Im not trying to be funny. myself and any of my friends that dont have a hooker fetish agree, it makes you look nasty. Im not a bad looking person, Im just a dude on a rant. So please, for all the is good and holy, stop it. The picture is to the extreme. somewhat natural eyebrows are better. it doesnt look right when you do weird crap. my apologies if this picture is you. For the use of it and for your eyebrows. email me with questions if you feel the need. But if you are wondering then its probably because they are indeed messed up

some people are wondering why this is up again, well its because I got some emails. Looks like I need to clarify a few points. Yes, the hair above the lip area looks kinda like a eyebrow, but I wasnt including it. Shave the stache, wax, lazer, do what you gotta do. despite the fact that us guys think mustaches are rad on us you ladies hate them. So you can imagine its even worse when you're sporting one. Hair under the pits. Some guys might have a yeti fetish, who knows. Yes im leaving another zone out on purpose. So no emails are needed about that

normal slightly maintained eyebrows=good
drawn on nasty=treason against jesus-(nearly as bad as the snuggy. you dont want to get me started)

Dude has a point. Bad eyebrows are one of your Auntie's pet peeves as well, particularly the ones that look like sperms. Auntie Jane is an open-minded girl, but if you like the sperms on your forehead, she doesn't want to know about it.

More regrettable eyebrows here.

part sir walter raleigh part six mix a lot

2009-04-08T12:55:00.000-07:00

part sir walter raleigh part six mix a lot - 55 (I would be your shadow)

Wednesday child is full of street drugs. Joe King.
I have had a nice run of late. I have started emailing with a seriously nice woman. I knew that this would work. Only took five months. Who cares. It happened.
She was able to choke down my being a bed wetting mama's boy, and having been in an abusive relationship with my inner child.
She does not care that I am devoid of rudimentary spelling skills, and voted for Nixon once.
I hope that you will be able to trade down, and have your reality check cashed, by the non imaginery lumberjack, that you dream about. He does not exist. I do.
I digress. I wish you the best in your search for suitable dolt companionship.
My beloved to be, emailed me the best set of adjectives, and nouns, this horse sick cowboy could want. Hey, you can be the funny one, you can be the smart
one, you could be the big purse, but, my future love interest is the available "one". So, beware the ides of April. Keep those responses coming.
The funny smart nice guy has found true like in cyberspace. She does not want to see the bald guy with glasses/mustache picture.
OR I AM TRYING TO MAKE YOU JEALOUS.

Remember when Shatner covered Tambourine Man? And he made it sound really creepy, like if the tambourine man didn't sing any more, he'd find Bill Shatner in his crawl space, fondling a butcher knife and one of Mrs. Tambourine Man's nighties?

That's how this guy sounds.

IN THE JINGLE JANGLE MORNING HE'LL COME FOLLOWING YOU.

Repressed Female Psychology Majors

2009-04-04T15:09:00.000-07:00

Repressed Female Psychology Majors

It began as alter boys visiting first Milwaukee Braves game with Knot Hole Club, in Milwaukee. Father Vujnovich popped for tickets and peanuts, (we had to steal our own beer). I got Shell Shock from the peanuts and it lasted until college. What cured me was attending my freshman psychology class in deviant behavior at Wisconsin in Mad City. With me as the exception the entire class was female, all very attractive! The Prof had been tossed out of Berkeley by then Gov. Ronald Reagan. A number of the women were from the Chicago burbs (lots of New Trier sweatshirts). Professor Pravda would bring standing ovations and the girls to outright orgasmic psychosis. With the opportunity to explain my shell-shock episode a number of women (feeling empathy), Irish Catholic and Jewish, (feeling guilt) wished to try various therapy methods (Humanistic, Imago, Rhythm). I was eventually cured, however could identify with Christopher Jones in "Three in the attic". I have been celibate for this entire millenium and the shell-shock has returned following a wet dream sequence.
Looking to hook up for coffee, analysis or LTR for those interested in Dissertations.
Prof Pravda never paid taxes and is now an appointee in Obama Adm. Angie, lobotomized, works for D.N.C. Carmon, Tried to patent gonja-institutionalized, watches Daffy Duck all day.
Zelda-Headed up local S.D.S. Claudia, after 12 kids by 12 radicals joined Vassar faculty and invented birth control method. Libby, owned Palmer House. Candy, worked Mustang Ranch.
Susan, started alcohol and drug re-hab center in Highwood Ill. after much experience sample testing. Janet, became a capitalist and fine Republican, (my favorite).

Oh my stars and garters! Clearly, your auntie has not partaken of enough psychedelics to understand this ad. Pass the windowpane, please.

I AM YOUR IVORY ROMEO!

2009-04-02T16:09:00.000-07:00

LOOKING FOR MY EBONY JULIET! I AM YOUR IVORY ROMEO!

I'M A SINGLE WHITE GUY FROM BEAVERTON 6'5'' ATTRACTIVE, ATHLETIC, AND AM LOOKING SPECIFICALLY FOR BEAUTIFUL BLACK WOMAN OUT THERE, A WOMAN THAT EPITOMIZES WHAT EBONY BEAUTY IS. A LOT OF PEOPLE COME ON HERE BEING BLAND AND NOT BEING SPECIFIC ON WHAT THEY LOOK FOR BUT I AM. I AM LOOKING FOR THAT LADY, THAT QUEEN BETWEEN 21-30, EXCEPTION CAN BE MADE ON THOSE AGES, I JUST WANT TO WEED OUT THE TEENS, AND OLDER WOMEN, I WANT SOMEONE WHOM I CAN TREAT LIKE A QUEEN, SUPPORT HER, AND LOVE HER AND BECOME HER KING. PLEASE DON'T HAVE ANY BABY DADDY DRAMA, AND BE A MISS INDEPENDANT! I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU!

Now, my sweet potatoes, I want to make sure you know that your Auntie Jane is 100% what the kids these days call "queer positive". I fully support the right of all consenting adults to do whatever the hell they want to each other as long as it doesn't involve children, animals or clowns. Having said that...

DUDE, YOU SHOULD BE LOOKING FOR YOUR EBONY MERCUTIO BECAUSE THAT PICTURE IS SERIOUSLY GAY!

again i like girl from russija

2009-04-01T15:44:00.000-07:00

again i like girl from russija

Please l realy like girl from rusija becouze l speak po russki very good.I have god jobs and i look good.I need somebady for frend for go out like diner just for fun,maybe more.Thanks

My little peach blossoms, your Auntie Jane used to work with a young man from Kazakhstan. He did indeed sound just like Borat, but he smelled much better. He was a charming man who greeted everyone with a hearty slap on the keister, and he used to tell me lovely stories about his past.

"When Vladimir was young, go to school in Leningrad, all the time drink, drink drink. Very bad. Now Vladimir is good boy, do not drink or smoke tobacco, go to church on Sunday. This time, when was young, I did meet mayor's wife. We drink many bottles champagne. Hee hee hee, oh, was very bad. We have such fun."

Some women will prefer this.

2009-03-31T09:14:00.000-07:00

Some women will prefer this.

Because America's laws prohibit polygamy, I would like to share my life with you 2 to 3 other women in a loving, contractually committed (but not married) way. The women too will be fellow partners (sisters) in this relationship based on a healthy ranch lifestyle. (By the way, I am not a Mormon although I have studied and respect the religion. I also love literature and the arts.)
Please send me a short bio and a picture – or if you prefer, an email to initiate further conversation. I would prefer a woman with a college degree and\or some vocational/college training. Although this is not my present objective, any children that are born from this union will live a safe Montana Ranch lifestyle. Please feel free to respond if you are between 20 to 28 years old (I am 30). (But don’t respond if you have a husband or are connected with some sort of sex ad or business; you will be just wasting your time.) By the way the number of women is not an issue with me; I am looking for someone who shares similar passions and interests and with whom I can emotionally connect. Any addition members would need to meet with the approval of the others – and have a fun-loving nature.
By the way my interest would be properly defined as Polyamory:
Polyamory (from Greek πολύ [poly, meaning many or several] and Latin amor [literally “love”]) is the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. The term polyamory is sometimes abbreviated to poly, and is sometimes described as consensual, ethical, or responsible non-monogamy. (from Wikipedia)

Oh, Glory Be! For years I have been harboring a shameful secret: my Little House on the Prairie fetish. The long, silky hair, the calico dresses, the scent of hay, the warm, firm feel of a cow's teat in my eager hand...swoon...

Ahem.

My little apple blossoms, such fun we shall have!

...someone 'Happy'. ...someone 'In-Touch'. ...someone 'Cool' ...

2009-03-30T10:13:00.000-07:00

...someone 'Happy'. ...someone 'In-Touch'. ...someone 'Cool' ...

someone ...'CAFFEINE-ADDICTED-FREE'. someone ...Clean, White, NOT-Fat, Pretty, Brushes-Teeth, O-K-Body, Understands-...'Caffeine'/very-important. ...Understands ...Health and has Happy-Pretty-Feet. ...You'll ...likes Pets, Outdoors, Creeks, Redwoods, Bicycles, and ...Motorcycles, too. ...Herb is Understood, and You look Cute/Pretty and/or ...Nice. YOU will have a Brain that Work-Well w/Cooking/Bar-b-q-ing, Hiking, and ...Producing-Babies, if Posssible. 'Get-Back-to-Me' w/Phone-Call, Love, E-mail or Other. ...and for No-Reason-at-All, I'll get You my ...'Web-Site-Address'. ...It relates to the ...TOTAL-ABSOLUTE-DESTRUCTION of CAFFEINE. ...'VIEW-DAILY'. ...Love; Steve

Wait, how am I supposed to stay "NOT-Fat" if I'm smoking herb and not drinking coffee? Seriously, that's a recipe for sitting on the couch all day eating Cheetos dipped in Nutella and watching Aqua Teen Hunger Force. I just don't see how "Brain that Work-Well w/Cooking/Bar-b-q-ing, Hiking" is possible under those conditions.

Plus, why is Steve so afraid of coffee? Maybe his sadistic parents hung this picture across from his bed:

best guy on creags list number 1

2009-03-29T12:46:00.000-07:00

best guy on creags list number 1

just like the title im the best fuck the rest u want to meet a reel guy give me a holla im up for anything crazy im blonde blue eyes 5,10 i love the laddeis new to town and need to find some love and a good relationship

and, uh, if u got a meth hookup that wud be sweet

its wierd, but im serious....

2009-03-28T23:53:00.001-07:00

its wierd, but im serious....

i have this thing that i'm itching to try again ..im sitting here wanting someone to let me do something a little out of the ordinary someone to let me put my nose on their tongue (nothing gross and no surprises) just literally that. just stick your tongue as far to your chin as you can and let me lay my nose on it for 10 seconds.....simple right? i guess there really isn't a reason for me doing this except i just like to do it and always have liked it.

Ummm...ok...it's not often that Auntie Jane is stumped, but dang! How is this sexy?

Is it the feel of all the little tastebuds, like tiny pleasure nubbins? Is it the scent of the tongue, so evocative that you begin to imagine you can smell your partner's thoughts before she voices them? Is it the thought that in all probability, NO MAN HAS DONE THIS TO HER BEFORE?

All right! You've talked me into it! Does it help that I can touch my nose with my tongue? Auntie will lick your nose Gene Simmons style, baby.

Homeless man with cute dog and internet seeks woman

2009-03-27T15:43:00.000-07:00

Homeless man with cute dog and internet seeks woman - 27 (under 183 and burnet)

So here i am... wandering the streets of austin. just me and my super cute fluffy dog. my girlfriend gave me the boot because she was sick of me harassing her about her drunken lifestyle. im told its none of my business where she stayed the night before... over and over and over. oh well... id rather be homeless with dignity than sleeping in a warm bed with a whore. dont you agree? so... will trade affection for shelter. so long as you actually appreciate it.

Tip from your Auntie Jane- this kind of thing works a lot better for chicks. Trust your Auntie, darlings. She knows.

i wish i can meeet that special lady

2009-03-25T18:21:00.000-07:00

i wish i can meeet that special lady who can still my heart
i just on here looking for lady i be friends with im down earh man with no kids dont play games im not looking to hook up with stripers if u a stripers dont read this meesage its not for u ll real ladies my ideal date be going out to dinner

Attention all personnel! This patient is a DNR! Do not restart his heart under any circumstances! If you are a special lady, (I'm looking at you, Nurse Renee!) you may even take it upon yourself to still his heart.

But stay away, you pernicious candy stripers! Your winsome good cheer and wheedling, cookie-distributing ways are not welcome here!

WhErE u BeEn aLL mY LiFe??

2009-03-24T14:33:00.000-07:00

WhErE u BeEn aLL mY LiFe?? - 27
What's up LaDieZ.. first let me tell you this is kinda wierd for me, i have never done anything like this before, and its not like i can't find anyone on my own.. but to be honest i just got out off a long relationship and haven't really have much time to get back into the dateing game, I have a really good job, a nice car, and heading back to school soon.. guess da person i'm looking for isn't much , just a down to earth person i can relate to and have fun with..i play almost every sport,(basketball,football,tennis.ect.) and very much an outdoor person, (Fishing,hiking,camping..ect).. currently i'm coaching a basketball team..i'm down for coffee or a quick lunch... just hit me up..Peace =)

WhErE i BeEn? eviDeNtlY I bEeN wOefUlLy NeGleCtIn mAh SHifT KeY.

(Good Lord, that's exhausting. How DO you young folks do it? Maybe it's easier when you been smokin' the shards.)

Tears of a Clown / Why not date a Clown

2009-03-22T11:46:00.000-07:00

Tears of a Clown / Why not date a Clown - 50 (Laugh Town U.S.A)

My profession is a clown. A very good, fun type of clown. One that will make you laugh, when your down. When you fall, I"ll be around. When no one is around to depend, Guess who's around to be your friend. My looks won't get me far. But, you won't see this clown in a Bar! I can dance the night away, with you in my arms. For I am Irish, your Lucky Charms. M .I., getting corning. Or What! What is a Clown to do. But be a servant to you! Some times people say! Your not! A Clown! Your some body's Fool! If that ture, Why not let me date you! Tears of a Clown! Note: I really am a Clown! The whole get up! Bewared! Well!.... I got to go now. It's time for me to go out and make a smile today, toinight, and every time you see me. Soooooo....... Please be nice to a clown. And if you need some Money!......... (Forget it!) I'm not that funny. Ha! Ha! Ha! #?<>..... My Photo will be posted as soon as I get it back from the (Presendent of the United States) Last time I was There trying to be funny! See you around. Keep a Simle on your face, it's not that bad. Enjoy your self, and of course with a clown. Have Fun and Great! DaY! Blow your horn At me! To Say "Hi" Your friend the Clown.

Just when I think life can't get any scarier, THINGS LIKE THIS HAPPEN. "getting corning" WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? I'M AFRAID TO LOOK IT UP ON URBAN DICTIONARY.
THERE'S SO MUCH EVIL IN THE WORLD!

The am I fit test

2009-03-20T10:48:00.000-07:00

The am I fit test ( Man uf sea)
4 a job on a fishing boat R u in shape Run /ski /kayak/bike /hike sure? Kan u cook? from scratch! Alaska ever been Mend Net? Ever Pan Gold? How OLd Do u hit the deck running easy on the eyes ever c a fish?

Why yes, I have seen a few fish in my time...

UNIQUE MALE SEEKING UNIQUE FEMALE

2009-03-18T11:39:00.000-07:00

UNIQUE MALE SEEKING UNIQUE FEMALE

I truly believe that when the 2 right people meet magic happens - life becomes exhilarating and happiness can almost be held in the hands and tasted. I am looking for a lady who wants for a happy LTR. I am a rare breed, no arrogance implied, I'm just different and that could be good or bad for you. You'll learn some basics about me by reviewing the outline of the girl I seek. You must be grounded, down to earth, stable, dependable, consistent, good sense of humor, committed to your man, on the quite side and maybe a bit shy at first but still fun with good communication skills - well balanced is a good description. No smoke, no or social drinker, no drugs, no stds, no children (I love kids but I want for freedom to enjoy our life, travel etc.), healthy & fit, not overweight, 28ish to 38ish, moderate or conservative (no libs need apply), likes many indoor activities ;) --- and outdoor activities, not crazy with religion, submissive nature with old fashioned values yet open minded and adventurous and really focused on a meeting the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. If you write me you'll get nothing but the truth and I expect the same. Been divorced 11 years - I want to share my life with a great partner. Please respond with a pic if you have one.

OMG, will you look at that foine hunk of man? Y'ALL, I'M GONNA BE MRS. BURT REYNOLDS! EVERYBODY'S INVITED TO MY FANCY PLANTATION WEDDING! THERE WILL BE DONKEYS WITH CUNNING LITTLE PANNIERS OF CHIPS AND SALSA!

Oh, wait... " No smoke, no or social drinker, no drugs "

Well, crap. Now what am I supposed to do with these donkeys?

My journey to Isengard

2009-03-17T19:50:00.000-07:00

My journey to Isengard - 31

I am not interested in all the women that I pass in the streets, no, I am on a journey. The world is a blur and my vision strains ahead, watching, waiting, wishing... I smell her skin in the wind at times, blaming the gusts for the moisture that collects at the corners of my eyes. I have traveled, on this journey, for what feels like 10 lifetimes only to find myself lost, again, and again. In any journey one is expected to learn one of life's lessons with each chapter that the journeier closes. I am 31, yet near the end of the book that is my life, I am whole, full, complete, lacking only one thing, the cute feet that travel alongside of mine, the breath falling on my chest as she clambers atop me in the cold morning hours. I love her, I miss her, I journey.

Lambies, our beloved NEC thinks there should be a special category for LOTR fans. A special category of HOTT, maybe!

C'mere, elfy boy. Let Auntie Jane caress your pointy ears and....

Oops. I think I broke him.

Moon cleansed water

2009-03-12T13:29:00.000-07:00

Moon cleansed water - m4w

I wanna spatter my moon cleansed water all over your face.

Under 25, no fatties. And by fatties, I mean wiccans.

Lawsy, I would surely love to slip into a sparkling faery pool of moon-blessed water and float amongst the lily pads without a care in the world.

But we all know Auntie is closer to mumble-five, and there ain't no floating back down that stream. Alas and alack.

poetic inquiry

2009-03-05T13:10:00.000-08:00

Kiddiewinks, I've been worrying about how so many of the men we feature here have such loooooooong ads. (And no, it doesn't mean what big feet mean, sadn't I to say.) So I've been looking for the shorter, pithier men. But our always-reliable Northern Correspondent sent this gem, and I was smitten.

poetic inquiry

Why does love hurt?
This I can’t explain
What are we looking for?
Something we can’t explain
Looking for a shorty with a nice caboose
Want to open up my heart and let this love be turned loose
I’m not tall dark or handsome
Better look elsewhere elsewhere
I’m the boy that your mom warned you about
Only because she wanted this all to her self
I need a lady who can help me because I am in a jam
Don’t want a girl that is looking for a wham bam thank you mam
Like to me a shorty who is kind of short
Not a big momma who is way to big for them shorts
Got a big old house that I am sitting alone in
Want to find me a lady who is ready to move in
Kind of like the girl who is a little dark
Not talking about skin talking about around the heart
I like the hours way after dark
Just about midnight I am ready to bark
Like to meet a girl maybe she is a witch
Not looking for that girl who is really a bitch
Like to meet a girl who can shake her ass
Don’t want a girl who doesn’t have any class
Like the girls who are loyal and true
Don’t like the girls who will screw everyone but you
Looking for a lady with a little bit of cash
Not looking for a big momma who is going to support my ass
If you think that maybe this is you
Drop me a line and I will call you

HELLOOOO MR. POET MAN! I AM A SHORTY WITH A NICE CABOOSE! CALL ME!

FAT CHICKS NEED NOT APPLY

2009-03-03T19:34:00.000-08:00

FAT CHICKS NEED NOT APPLY - 46

80'S ROCKER ... SEEKS LEATHER AND LACE
i'm not rich
i not supose too drive lol
i have a 10 month old pit
i live in a R.V. behinda used car lot
I'm well travelled i've seen most of the states and some of the world
send pic

Now kittens, this is something that drives your Auntie Jane crazy. Am I fat, or not? I am not a woman of vast proportions, but neither am I a stick insect. Does an extra 20 pounds really disqualify me from throwing my Stevie Nicks-esque top hat in the ring for this foine man? And what does Height/Weight Proportionate really mean? Isn't everyone's idea of physical perfection going to vary? What if I've got a little gut but really excellent legs? AM I GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU THEN, MR. ROCKER?

Aw, screw it. Auntie's gonna go listen to Belladonna and eat some DoubleStuf Oreos.

Asian coolege proffesor

2009-02-26T17:34:00.000-08:00

Asian coolege proffesor=seek=Asian female frioend==

Hi Asian girls, I am Asian man-
I am educated but not regulated. I am looking for Asian females for date and like to park my trailer on some ones lot for rent. I am an ex-physician and living happily in Burien Seattle. I am graduate of University Of Washington and only 37-looking to go to businesses like Laxative Clinic and Truck Taxi Company. I can educate and elevate Asians that only they are my friend. I hang out at this Gyro restaurant, and like to have a date with you any place ant time?
I am seeking work as a college Math tour, and like Asian girls for serious relationships.
for more information can do you good?
I am good looking and like to lunch with some one- I have many more plans like to share-

Darlings. your Auntie is very confused by this man, and is trying not to picture what a combination Laxative Clinic and Truck Taxi Company would look like. I will, however, be referring to myself as "educated but not regulated" whenever possible from now on. Peace out.

THE most interesting MAN in the WORLD

2009-02-24T10:54:00.000-08:00

So interesting that we're seeing him twice! The Lonely Douchebag is back, and this time he brought art!

THE most interesting MAN in the WORLD (pt.2) (ART STUDIO)

.....is most likely NOT me, haha....but here's a few things about Moi. I love pizza, ART, whiskey, Ranch Dressing, and Tuna with Red Apple chunks in it. I hate hummus, diet anything, WENDYS, and guacamole. I suffer from severe insomnia. I am better at arguing than you (not true). You are better at dancing than me. I can't sing for shit (not true either). I am quite Handsome *The 'infamous' baffled look* There is nothing sexier than great conversation. I'd rather try to get smoke inside of a glass bottle using a baseball bat than listen to someone complain. I believe in treating people how you want to be treated. I am a HUGE Shannyn Sossamon fan. I brush my teeth with hot water. I am a sucker for motivational quotes. Going to church doesn't make you any more a Christian than going to the garage makes you a car. I don't watch too much tv. I love seafood, but if it has tentacles, even more so. I grind my teeth when I get nervous. I dont give third chances. I can slam a revolving door. I adore Kind People. Saying "thank you" and "please" is extremely important. I pretty much live for, Art, Music and Comedy. If you let your friends drive drunk, you have no soul. I think shit-talking on the internet is about as useful as trying to kill an elephant by throwing a tic tac at it. I WILL beat you at the stare down game. I love grapefruit flavored anything. Laughter can cure more than you think. The 'new mullet' is the dude with the shaved head, goatee, and a tattoo sleeve--simple as that. Period. Screamo type music sucks...it just DOES. Spell check is one of the best inventions next to the wheel. I can give a better Blue Steel than Zoolander. I have a strange obsession with people who would add Tila Tequila as a friend. If you have a "metal mulisha" or "Kottonmouth Kings" sticker on the back of your lifted truck, you have NOTHING to say that I could possibly be interested in. I dislike ignorance. I wish I could use the 'I'm invisible' mind trick on people. The "25 year old balding/comb over jacuzzi mcdougal", and the "Drunk white girl who can't dance" are the best people to stare at while at a club. Money doesn't impress me. I love browsing CL, because it makes me chuckle. Songs are more important than bands. I wonder if the Devil listens to shitty bands/rappers like 50 Cent, Rolling Stones (since 1977), or U2 (since 1987). Shannyn Sossamon needs to marry me. There will never be another Johnny Cash or Elvis (good on the Elvis one). Can't believe you just read all of my rambling=THANK YOU!.............Message me with a photo...or NOT!

"See these big hands? THIS IS WHAT I USE TO MASTURBATE. BECAUSE I CAN'T GET LAID.

They look like big, good, strong hands, don't they... I always thought that's what they were."

Villain seeks willing damsel in distress

2009-02-22T16:51:00.000-08:00

Villain seeks willing damsel in distress, 18–30 - 38 (The deep, dark North Side)

I have always identified with the antiheros who matched wits with the boring do-gooders in the books I read, the movies I saw, and the television shows I watched, even as a child. From a very early age, it aroused me fiercely when the dastardly scoundrel would get the lovely heroine in his clutches, chuckling evilly and rubbing his hands in wicked anticipation. Even better when she would be tied up, whether over railroad tracks, gagged and thrust into a car trunk, or strung up by her wrists so that he could gloatingly run his gaze over her straining, writhing body.

However, I was always smart enough to hide my opinions on that subject, however, because the very best villains are the ones who no one knows are wicked.

I wear my mask very well these days, occasionally showing those who understand me enough what lies beneath. Like Steerpike, from the Gormenghast books, Gil-Martin, from The Private Memoirs and Confessions of a Justified Sinner, and Tom Ripley, from Patricia Highsmith’s wonderful books, I have a dark side to me that always writhes there, like a bellyful of grinning vipers.

If I want them to, people like me; they trust me; they even adore me. I must say that I have such a hard time not taking advantage of that. It is so tempting; really it is.

But, mostly, I am like the aforementioned Mr. Ripley, seeking not to harm others so long as I am left alone to enjoy myself as I so choose. Although, someone who knew me very well said that I reminded her of Edward from the Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter series. I think she is right about that; in many ways, I am very much like that character, particularly with how I live my daily life.

I enjoy my life . . . and my secrets. And I want to find someone who takes pleasure in the same things, someone who does not shrink from being the imperiled damsel in my clutches. Someone who relishes the thrill of danger that slithers down her spine as my powerful hands run over her smooth skin. Who savors the taste of the breath that catches in her throat when my shadow falls over her trembling face and widened eyes.

Is that you? If you have read this far and have felt a shiver of anticipation as well as trepidation, it may very well be.

What I seek is someone who will allow me the freedom to slake both my baser desires and loftiest eccentricities upon her, and who will not hesitate to beg my indulgence of her most depraved fancy.

Then we replace our masks, until the desire to explore further pounds within our veins with such force that we cannot resist. And then, we will find even more tenebrous and profligate diversions to satisfy ourselves.

Be aware that while I may enjoy pain, I seek only to hurt in delicious ways, never harm or injure. Although my desires are debased, I am not drawn to filth or repugnance. Even if wickedness is what draws you to me, neither of us should possess any truly evil intentions towards the other.

This is a release from those sorts of things for me, not an escalation. As it should be for you, too.

If you have continued to read, then here is where you will learn more concrete things about me and the person I hope to find.

I am tall, muscular, and lean; dark-haired, very masculine, attractive, with high cheekbones, a strong jaw-line, and dark, intense eyes. I am very physically fit, with several tattoos, and I look much younger than my age. I am fiercely intelligent and wickedly humorous, completely an Alpha wolf-type, although creative and discerning rather than overbearing—but that makes me no less dominant.

Anyone who might answer this posting should be similar to me in demeanor and general type—bright, clever, attractive, and physically fit. Sleek, curvaceous bodies are my preference, especially athletic women with smaller breasts and powerful legs. A smart tomboy, girl jock, or vivacious nerdy girl is my ideal, although I am open to anyone with intelligence, nerve, and imagination. Although I am straight, I am drawn towards queer-friendly types as well as those who are also straight.

Below I will include a photo of myself, to pique the curiosity and to satisfy it somewhat at the same time (yes, that is me). If you choose to answer my posting, tell me about yourself, describe what you look like, and include a photo as well. I will be more than willing to reply in kind.

Does what I wrote make you cringe and blush; does it cut to your core? Could it keep you awake at night with terrible, marvelous dreams? If so, then you should write to me.

I will also need you to pay off my extensive library fines so I can read to you from Beauty's Punishment and tell you why Ayn Rand is the greatest genius of all time.

You and Me, In Verse

2009-02-21T16:30:00.000-08:00

You and Me, In Verse

Me:

Smooth talker, rhyme walker
Not a caulker, board-chalker
Grad student, mostly prudent
Study physics, not athletics

Six foot even, average build
Don't play WoW, so there's no guild
Play with my Wii if you're willed
If you don't mind being virtually killed

Giant geek, hardly meek
Not a freak, puns I leak
Wordplay a passion, never out of fashion
Please have compassion, it's only ration-al

Crazy dancer, old school romancer
Take-a-chancer, mood enhancer
Creative writer, boredom fighter
Seeking more than a one nighter
To make this world a little brighter

Physically affectionate, rather compassionate
Hopefully adequate to get you to activate
My bearded face you soon will see
But that's enough about lil' old me

You:

A geek too, through and through
Looking for a pas de deux
Quirky, fun and energetic
With your own unique aesthetic
Rarely are you apathetic
Certainly not apologetic

Non-smoker, maybe a toker
As a drinker not mediocre
No fleas, free of disease
Enter a room like a summer breeze

Not a teen, summers you've seen
From twice ten to twice fourteen
A sweet tooth, that's the truth
Inner youth, sometimes sleuth

No kids (yet), no regrets
Know your way 'round a chess set
Like to travel, maybe Tibet
A dog or a cat you'll pet

Please be single, so we can mingle
Sans your boyfriend roofing my shingles

Email me, we'll see what develops
Hopefully we'll find a love that envelops

Pic for pic, gotta be quick
I might click with some other chick

Ahhhh, poetry. le sigh. Your Auntie Jane has an ex who wooed her with the words (sung to the tune of Steve Miller's
"The Joker"):

I'm a Coke can
I'm Dwight Yoakam
I'm a big Tone Lōc fan.

Buuut, it ended badly and Auntie has lost her taste for the poets. ( Thanks again to our beloved Northeastern Correspondent.)

The return of Auntie Jane

2009-02-21T15:33:00.000-08:00

Hellooooooo, goslings! Your Auntie has just returned from an extended stay at a ~~Turkish Prison~~ glamorous Health Spa for ~~marital aid smuggling~~ a Rest Cure. I had such a lovely time, and got to know my ~~guard~~ valet Husamettin rawther well.

Anywho, back to the men!

Emotional cripples apply here!!!

Do you lack basic social skills? Are you incapable of caring for anyone but yourself? Did you not graduate high school and currently hold a dead end job? Or are you an "artist" who spends his almost 40 year old days in coffee shops working on the next "great American novel" or updated version of "howl"? Do you have an unhealthy relationship with your family (especially if this applies to your father). Do you attempt to disguise your failings behind a facade of physical health? Do you only date men who meet the current standard of success and begin all relationships with the predication that he be "cool/macho"? Can you not recite the alphabet and do you want to get more than you give on every level? Then talk to me. Because evidently I am a magnet for all of that. You just might get lucky with a man who is: overqualified for nearly everything; has a degree, works hard and has solid values; is well read and intelligent... but tends to attract women who are sorely lacking in all areas of social grace and integrity. So bring it on. C'mon, what do you have to lose? You aren't doing anything anyway.

PS Please live close in NE or SE Portland since your car in constantly IN THE SHOP so I don't have to drive all over town to pick you up.

Ooooh, lovey, is Auntie the right girl for you! I'll be right over with my vacation snaps!

OK.........THAT'S IT!!!

2009-01-29T12:17:00.001-08:00

OK.........THAT'S IT!!!

Crap Clown, 50M, seeks younger circus reject (F) for severe pretend slapstick S&M. Must have bucket full of glitter and large oversized shoes.
No freaks!

Oh my stars and garters! Dollbabies, it takes a lot to shock your Auntie Jane. I have looked upon the tubgirl and the goatse and those strange girls with the cup. I have wandered through the Elysium fields of rotten.com. I wade through the myriad peenie pics on Craigslist every day.

But our Intrepid Northeastern Correspondent has found the one thing that truly makes my heart sink and my bowels protest. (Except that Auntie is too much of a lady to actually have bowels. Carry on.)

CLOWN SEX, PEOPLE. WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?

If romance were a flower

2009-01-28T11:14:00.001-08:00

If romance were a flower, what type of flower would it be? - 40 (Your Daisy Awaits;))

If love were a garden, could you not see that a buttercup is a flower too and not just a weed.

If your are confused about this posting do not respond, you would not get it any way ie.. young girls, teeny boppers etc... However if you are young and young at heart then definitely lets email and be friends.

What I expect: To email and be friends, no big deal about pic. But sooner or later we would have to exchange them. ALSO, NO EMAIL WITH LINKS TO NUDE PICTURES, GET A GRIP. YOU GIVE THIS FORMAT BAD VIBES. Thats it. will explain the rest later, to the right lady.

Far beneath the bitter snow
Lies the seed
That with the sun's love, in the spring
Becomes the rose

Ducklings, we all know that sometimes all the beauty and sorrow of life is just too much. How can one tiny human mind comprehend all that the universe has to offer? It's so much easier when you have a sensitive, intuitive, thoughtful, loving mate. And you can bury yourself inside her Flower
and rise with the two starbright gulls to
disappear into a perfect dark sky.

IN need Not needy

2009-01-27T20:43:00.001-08:00

IN need Not needy whats your need?

Lets do all we can !will not let you down ! I give back all you give me work hard for things I have and will have ! come along for the ride! we will have fun ! will stop for poddy brakes and beer If needed lol!so if fun is a need lets go!

Poor Auntie Jane must admit- I do need frequent poddy brakes! (Especially when I've been having tea with Vera Vodka, Winnie Whiskey and Perdita PBR.) My Gentleman Callers tend to laugh at me when I need to tinkle every half hour. Once I did find a handsome, charismatic man who also needed many poddy brakes! Alas, he was married. Such is Fate.

Dating is hard, y'all.

I CAN SPIT FOR YOU

2009-01-27T19:35:00.000-08:00

I CAN SPIT FOR YOU...OR I CAN SPIT ON YOU

THIS IS THE NICER SIDE OF MY WRITING
THE COOL, POOL OF WATER
REFRESHING WORDS
BUT WHEN PROVOKED
I SPIT THE VENOM OF A KING COBRA
AND THE FIRE OF A DRAGON!
ENJOY......

A BLACK MAN'S WORDS! (((holla if you hear me)))

i just prayed to GOD for inspiration
had to loosen my bandana for blood to flow
now letters flow from fingers effortlessly
like smoke flows in circles from my nose
no green is needed to light this
my brain sparks flames to ignite the truth
the sway of my neck to j. dilla beats
words bounce like a needle on top of grooves
some say i spit rhymes when i'm typing
i say i spray knowledge inspired by youth
i choose to stay up on verbal game
if i ain't up on it...i'd surely loose
so get up on this hardcore
soft in the heart with a dragon's skin
my tongue and my pin spits fire
that comes from the flame that burns within
damn, this comes so easy
how is it so? where do i begin?
i keep things short and to the point
choose words to make your mind do backbends
a hustler at heart
a preacher with soul
rock with rhythm
so tight in a hole
vibrating walls
dropping missles from the air
like good sex pumping
loud noises, pulling hair
lyrics in your ear with a deep baritone
a soft wet feeling
with my voice
in the phone
a man you you can feel
just by reading his words
think i'm the truth when you read?
wait until i'm heard!
WORD!

Kids, listen up because this is very important. Your Auntie Jane wishes to register a complaint. WHY IS IT SO FREAKIN' HARD TO FIND THE LYRICS TO SHAQ DIESEL?

Now, I don't mean the album, I mean the single that came with the Shaq-Fu Sega game. Oh, your Auntie used to spend hours listening to that song on repeat, over and over, as soothing as Bob Ross whacking the devil out of his paintbrush.

HOW IS IT THAT THIS WORK OF GENIUS HAS NOT BEEN PRESERVED? DO YOU HEAR ME AL GORE?

Wait a minute! Hold the 'phone! Auntie's Close Personal Friend (and One that Got Away) Ryan "Big, Big Brain" Scott managed to find a 2004 transcription from one IvyLeagueNegro. A big flip of Auntie Jane's skirt to Mr. Scott and Mr. Negro!

You wanna rumble with me
Tumble with me
I float like a cloud
Sting like jungle bee
Bad boy
So wahtcha gonna do
whatcha gonna do
when they come for you, nothing
Turn my head check my back
Critics clocking me
I always feel like
somebody’s watching me
And you can take quotes from these notes
I’m a man eater
Do I look like Hall and Oates? No
Quick to rise on MC's like JR Rider
Lyrics, taut to the tongue like apple cider
Uh I’m so hard its pitiful
I bite like a pit-i bull
The way my jaw lock
BLOW like a Glock
pimp slap you taste my fingernail dirt
yank yo tongue through yo teeth
and wack lyrics you squirt
Jerky
they’ll be calling you Don cuz of your Knotts

Who got the props?
Who got the props?
ME!

Shaq Diesel!
Make em shake
make em shiver
Mc's Take notes as I stand and deliver
(4 times)

The way I spit spit venenom
You should call me snake in um grass
I get between that as-phalt
My money in the vault
Skills like Nas
Wizard like Walt
When I talk 5-0 pull out the chalk - UH
Shaq O’Neal I represent
Mcs talkin bout they rich
I, richer like dent
You live in a tent
I got more styles than RuPaul’s
But bigger balls
Ref u got the whistle Make a call
some fools tryna maul time like this
I wish
That raindrops would fall
Now peep while I craw
Yo My skills range like rover
Carry more green than a clover
Uh the bridge is over
Check it
My mouth be gat
My tongue be clip
Buck buck off the top
Buck buck off the bottom lip
Now that’s four shots
I got 13 more
Who’s world is this (girl voice)
Yo its prison for sure- PUNK!

Shaq Diesel!
Make em shake
make em shiver
Mc's Take notes as I stand and deliver
(4 times)

Follow me.. come quick
Come quick now won’t you follow
Spit hits the mike back to my mouth
Guh! Damn I swallow
But let me jump back & catch myself
Look in the mirror every day
fool I check myself
Last album came around the mountain
I’m still coming correct
Missile drop every (tendays?)
6 zeroes on the end of my check
Mike check my minds playing tricks on me
Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun See?
I’m hard to kill like a roach
Runnin up the sideline looking at coach
I will approach
Any MC that wants to battle
Feeling high and mighty
Knock you off your saddle
Shake shake this mike then rattle
roll down the street smoking smoking
I don’t smoke (I don’t smoke)
But I sip on Pepsi juice
I’m bald and black like Zeus
Mcs follow me now like a freaky caboose- HA HA

Shaq Diesel!
Make em shake
make em shiver
Mc's Take notes as I stand and deliver

Those were the days, weren't they, kiddiewinks? Shaq and his 6.4 million dollar smile.

Model type Female

2009-01-27T06:22:00.000-08:00

Gorgeous REAL Artist searching for IMAGINARY 'Model type Female'

REMEMBER, You are IMAGINARY, not real. So, I'm going ALL OUT on this post for my 'Model type Female' who happens to love painters. Yes, I am a painter/artist...I haven't 'milked' that one for all it's worth...yet. I digress...

My IMAGINARY 'Model Type Female':You are between 5ft. 3 and 5ft. 10. Slender, Petite, Average, with a sense of flare. You have healthy beautiful long or short stylish/chic/hip hair. You have beautiful/penetrating eyes. Pouty French lips. High cheek bones (of course). Dress HIP and CLASSY (a cross between Audrey Hepburn, Sade, Hip skater chick, Heroin chic model, and this chick I never 'met' from CL). You know who you are? You can look great in classy 1960's dress, hot in a hoodie, beautiful with or without makeup. Keep this in mind however, you're not real. Just trying to get you back into reality.

You must like Art Art Art and Art. And not the following type of art (you know), like someone who paints Unicorns or Sunsets. And, when you say you're into the Velvet Underground or Generation X, you actually listen to these bands at home or in your car. Oh yes, you can love Death Cab, and all of those new glorious bands with lyrics that inspire (I like the new lyricists).

I LOVE YOU IMAGINARY FEMALE:)

Sincerely,

Moi

Y'all, it is haaaaard to be an artist. Your soul is so full of beauty, begging to be expressed, and yet the outside world can be so...ugly. It's so hard to find a gorgeous woman who understands. Let me quote you some lyrics I found especially meaningful:

If heaven and hell decide,
That they both are satisfied,
Illuminate the "no's" on their vacancy signs,
If there's no-one beside you when your soul embarks,
Then I'll follow you into the dark.

PLEASE COME FIND ME, IMAGINARY WOMAN! I'M TIRED OF BEING A LONELY DOUCHEBAG.

i can relocate for you

2009-01-26T21:44:00.000-08:00

Very nice Gentleman looking for a real Ladie (To Live With) - 52 (Im in Yakima, But i can relocate for you)

Hello.My name is John.I know that this is kinda crazy,But i thought it wouldent hurt to try.I just may be the man your looking for.Im going to be very honest with you.Im down on my luck, And im living with my Mother (in Yakima).I would like to find a Nice,Caring Ladie who would be willing to take me into her home and start a relationship together.I dont have much to offer,Except lots of Love and Appreciation.Perhaps we could fall in love with each other and be there for each other.I know its terrible to be alone.Im not Picky about looks or age.As long as your a GOOD PERSON thats all that matters.I am very simple and easy to please.And i will give it my all to please you.I concider myself one in a million and i know that you will be glad you found me.Please, Take a chance.You wont regret it.Hope to hear from you,So we can get to know each other. Thank you....Oh,...Hope you like my photos...Even though i may look like a bad boy, I assure you that i am a very Kind Gentleman. And Polite and Respectfull......John

My stars, John. I certainly do know it's terrible to be alone. When the toidy gets clogged, there is no one else to blame!

I am a Nice,Caring Ladie, thanks ever so for noticing! I also concider you one in a million and I am glad I found you. Unfortunately, Auntie Jane is also down on her luck and about to move in with her Mother. I'll always wonder what we might have had..

JEWLERY

2009-01-26T10:56:00.000-08:00

Home all day making jewlery, want to join me??

HI,,
I'm gong to be home all day working on my jewlwey..
i cut cabochons, wire wrap, silver smith
Its called lapidary art and its a great hobby to make money with and be 623 creative. I'm 41, a dad, easy going, professional and outgoig, optimistic,,363 Live in phx 14 years now, love the sun. You can call or text me...7256 I made the bracelet below, its petrified bogwood set in silver. What i"m looking for is a good woman to go out with and get to know that can grow to be my girlfriend. She shoud be smart, optimistic, funloving, likes to cuddle with a movie, and go out too. I like dong most all the normal stuff, love to eat and try new things, bar games, swport events, museums...just want a good normal fun gal!! Artists welcome to applY or if you like art too. LOL somone called me and asked myname,, she sounded on the angry side to start,, she asks my name. I said John. That is my name. She said something stupid and accused me of lying, and said somehting else about yeah your all johns right??" Then she hung up. Why do people do dum stuff like that?? Why the hatred?? No sence to me.

Mmmm, honeychile, Auntie Jane just loves jewlwey. I'm not sure about the bracelet, though. Bogwood? Don't get me wrong, Auntie loves wood, but I try to keep the bog out of the picture, you know?

FUN GOING

2009-01-26T10:33:00.000-08:00

FUN GOING AND VERY POSITIVE STABLE MAN

I AM A FUN GOING AND VERY POSITIVE MAN THAT IS LOOKING FOR A POSTIVE LADY THAT WANTS TO HAVE SOME FUN...I AM STABLE WITH A GOOD INCOME AND A GREAT PROVIDER ,,I LIKE TO SPOIL MY LADY WITH GIFTS AND LOVE ...I HAVE A GOOD INCOME AND HOME ,,,GREAT JOB NO BAD HABITS I DO DRINK BEER BUT NOT A BOOZER ,,I DONT HANG OUT IN BARS,,,I LIKE TO DANCE AND HAVE A GOOD TIME ,,IM A LOVER NOT A FIGHTER BUT I CAN PROTECH MY SELF I NOT A PUSSY BOY I AM A MANS MAN,,,,I LIKE RIDING MY HARLEY IM KIND OF A CLEAN CUT BIKER BUT I AM KINDA OF A OUTLAW ,,BUT I CAN GET A LITTLE CRAZY AT TIMES BUT ITS ALL GOOD,,I HAVE A NICE BIG BOAT I LIKE TAKING OUT ON THE SUMMER TIME AND GO SUN BATHING AND FISHING,I LIKE WEEKEND ROAD TRIPS I ENJOY CHECKING OUT DIFFERANT AREA IN THE NW ,,,I LIKE DOGS I DO HAVE 2 MED SIZE DOGS,,THEY ARE MY BUDDIES,,,I MA MISSING ONE THING IN MY LIFE IS A GOOD LADY ,,I GET TIRED OF WORKING AND COMING HOME A LONE WITH NO ONE TO TALK TO ,,I LIKE LADYS WITH A LITTLE FUN IN THERE LIFES I AM NOT LOOKING FOR A PLAN JANE TYPE ,,,I LIKE TATS AND PEARCING AND WILD CLOTHING ,,I LIKE THE STYLE OF A BIKER LADY ,,BLUE JEANS AND BOOTS,,,,
SO LADYS IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR A GOOD MAN THAT IS A LITTLE DIFFERANT IN A GOOD WAY AND FUN WE SHOULD TALK, I AM A GOOD PROVIDER AND REALLY DO LIKE TO SPOIL MY LADY AND HAVE HER LOOKING GOOD,, SO I HOPE TO HERE FROM SOME NICE LADY ...
I AM 6FT AND 190 LBS IN GOOD SHAPE ,,AT THE YOUNG AGE OF 56 BUT FEELS AND ACTS MORE LIKE A 40 YR OLD...I JUST LIKE TO HAVE FUN

Lambkins, your Auntie Jane was so hopeful about this one. I like fun! I like gifts and love! I could use a little protechion now and then! I have tats and pearcings and wild clothing!

Aw, crap. I AM NOT LOOKING FOR A PLAN JANE TYPE ,,,

Should Auntie Jane change her name to Tiffani-Amber or Mary-Kate?

virgans

2009-01-25T15:10:00.000-08:00

is there any virgans out there

hi i'm a 27 year old male that would love to meet a good looking lady that has not sleep around with half of here town.i would love to find a girl that believes in relationships and marrige down the road.i have a good job i own my own house and i have a heart that is sad and loney because i can not date a girl that has been with more than 2 men.so if the love of my life is out there write back and we could see where it leads us.well hope to hear from you!!

This young man was referred to me by a Concerned Friend.

Oh, you poor dear. Auntie Jane may not be able to help with your loney heart, seeing as how she has slept around with half of this here town, but I can at least help with the cytomegalovirus infection!

Virgan®, also known as Cytovene® and Vitrasert®, should not be used if you have the following conditions:
•kidney disease
•low blood counts, like low white cell, platelet, or red cell counts
•an unusual or allergic reaction to ganciclovir, acyclovir, other medicines, foods, dyes, or preservatives
•pregnant or trying to get pregnant
•breast-feeding

WILL IT EVER HAPEN ???

2009-01-25T14:53:00.000-08:00

WILL IT EVER HAPEN ???

I wonder,
Seems like the more you care about someone, The more you are taken for granet.
No one is perfect, I would like to find someone whoe is a little like me.
Please don't take this in a negetive manor,but I'mm beginning to have bout that
the pecial someone is out there.

This gentleman was submitted by our esteemed Mountain Correspondent. (Auntie's got the hookup, yo.)

Darlings, we have all spent too long in that dreary boarding house known as the Negative Manor. We must not have bout. Get out there, live every day like it was your last, dance like no one's watching, and you too can find that Pecial Someone. IT CAN HAPEN.

i finally grew up

2009-01-25T11:02:00.000-08:00

i finally grew up

hi im eric. im a handsome hardworking conservative christian im good at what i do and have a lot of fun along the way. entertainment is everywhere just look around a little bit. im looking for a attractive women outside and in she needs to be conservative and christian it will have a real good chance at working out that way. if u think it will work for us then im here waiting. please be local and no porn site women as u can see im christian so go to ur cam and be a skank to someone else. thanks

Chickabiddies, your Auntie Jane is suddenly feeling slightly uneasy. My sainted gran had a fur tippet just like that one. And she had a yen for construction workers just like that one.

Oooer, I'm going to have a bit of a lie-down. I'm feeling awfully strange.

WARNING- NON DESPERATE

2009-01-25T09:38:00.000-08:00

WARNING- NON DESPERATE, NON GAMER, ACTUALLY LOOKING 4 SOMETHING REAL

HERE IT GOES.... LET ME BE BLUNT, I AM ONLY LOOKING FOR ONLY THOSE WOMEN/LADIES/GIRLS (DEPENDING ON YOUR OWN PERSONAL PERCEPTION OF YOURSELF LOL) MATURE ENOUGH TO HANDLE THE REALISM OF AN ADULT RELATIONSHIP. ALLOW ME TO CLARIFY MY OWN DEFINITION OF AN ADULT RELATIONSHIP SO THERE IS NO CONFUSION OR ASSUMPTION THAT I AM OFFERING, IMPLYING OR SUGGESTING ENTERING INTO A "BENIFICIAL" FRIENDSHIP OR 'N.S.A.' ARRANGEMENT OR WHATEVER OTHER TERM THAT SOMEONE WOULD USE TO MASQURADE/DISGUISE INTENT TO MEET PEOPLE SO THEY MAY RUN WEAK GAME BY PRENTENDING TO GIVE A SHIT RIGHT UP UNTIL THEY GET LAID BECAUSE THEY DO NOT KNOW HOW TO BE HONEST ABOUT WHAT THEY'RE ULTERIOR MOTIVES ARE AND LACK ANY OTHER CHARACTERISTICS THAT MAKE PEOPLE WANT TO SLEEP WITH THEM OTHER THAN THE ABILITY TO LISTEN AND TAKE ADVANTAGE OF A MOMENT OF VAUNRABILITY WHEN IN THE LONELY DESPERATION OF WANTING TO BELIEVE THEY REALLY UNDERSTAND AND CARE, SOCIOPATHICALLY THEY USE THE INFORMATION NOW OBTAINED BY DECEPTION TO GET THEIR ROCKS WITH NO REGARD TO THEIR "PREY". AND SADLY THERE ARE SO MANY WEAK PEOPLE OUT HERE THAT ALTHOUGH THEY ARE TRULY A SMALL, INSIGNIFICANT PERCENTAGE OF THE REST OF THE ADULTS OUT HERE IN THE DATING GAME, THEY ALONE HAVE CREATED THE NOW CREDIBLE & JUSTIFYABLE JADED AND DISINFRANCHISED SINGLE ADULTS THAT GO INTO NEW THINGS WITH EACH OTHER WITHOUT THE ABILITY TO BE AS NAIVE AND TRUSTING AS THEY SHOULD WHEN DEALING WITH THE HEARTS BUSINESS BECAUSE WITH EVERY VICTIM TAKEN, THE FABRIC OF MALE FEMALE RELATIONS IS SLIGHTLY TORN JUST A BIT SO ONE DAY WE WON'T BE ABLE TO INTERACT ON ANY OTHER LEVEL THAN JUST FOR WANTON DESIRE AND PHYSICAL NEED THAT WE'LL ALL END UP LONELY AND MISERABLE. AND IF YOU'RE THE PLAYER IN THE GAME I JUST DESCRIBED, LIFE DOES HAVE ITS WAY OF BEING CRUELY VINDICATING. BECAUSE THOSE PEOPLE ALWAYS END UP MARRIED TO SOMEONE THAT THEY HAVE A VIOLENT LOVE/HATE RELATIONSHIP SINCE THEY "KNOW" THAT PEOPLE ARE BASICALLY EASY AND THEY END UP MORE MISERABLE THAN THE REST. OR IN OTHER WORDS, LOL, IF I JUST WANTED TO SCREW YOU I'D COME RIGHT OUT AND LAY MY CARDS OUT. THAT'S WHAT I MEAN BY AN ADULT RELATIONSHIP. NO GAMES, NO DEFINITIONS, NO LYING, NO MISTRUST, JUST EXCITEMENT WHEN WE HAVE PLANS THAT HAVE NO PREWRITTEN ENDING IN BED OR WHATEVER AND THE REAL, HONEST CARING YOU CAN HAVE WHEN YOU FIND THAT WITH SOMEONE. KINDA DEEP, BUT THATS WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR.. HOWEVER, UNTIL I FIND THAT PERFECT DEAL THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THOSE "SPECIAL" FRIENDS EITHER.. SO THE HELL WITH IT.. IF YOUR GOOD LOOKING, UNDER 40, HWP, SECURE, DISEASE FREE AND WANT TO MEET A MAN THAT CAN BE DESCRIBED THE EXACT SAME WAY I'M REQUESTING YOU BE, HIT ME UP. MUST SEND PIC WITH RESPONSE AND I'LL SHOOT YOU ONE BACK ;)

Your ideas intrigue me, and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

Pretty Leg AMPUTEE!!!

2009-01-25T07:15:00.000-08:00

Time of Your Life Awaits For A Pretty Leg AMPUTEE!!!

This is a search for just the right special person! A young and very generous CEO has engaged our services to find a female above knee leg amputee as a part time travel companion. If you are that person, we are looking for you! This is a once in a lifetime chance and is not at all a joke. Our client is quite distinguished and the selected lady will be well taken care of, have doors opened in the hospitality and entertainment industries, and could well be set for life! He is looking for someone slim to medium, 20-40, attractive and intelligent. If you fit the bill or you know someone who does -- don't be bashful! This is an incredible chance to be taken on fabulous trips and treated like royalty! Referrals will be handsomely rewarded!

Please e-mail us with some information about youreself (or the lady) and we will respond with more information about him and move on to the next level. We remind you that this is not a joke. This is a serious request for a special lady who would like to be well taken care of amd have some times of her life!

Treated like royalty! Set for life! Pass Auntie Jane the hacksaw, honey!

Hopless Romantic

2009-01-24T20:21:00.000-08:00

Hopless Romantic Looking for his Queen to Spoil

I still believe in old-fashioned romance. You know where we try to spoil each other. I am educated, but currently working at a fun job. 6'0" and bedroom blue eyes. I've always been happy go lucky and refuse to change. I drink maybe three times a year at most and only at social events. I do smoke cigarettes but will soon be quiting. I'm tired of putting up with everyone's complaints and the actual cost of cigarettes nowadays. I am looking for a woman who is submissive in her views and what I mean by that is that she actually enjoys being loved and is not ashamed of showing her love. I can explain this more if you contact me and we can chat. I still believe in opening car doors for my lady and bringing home bouquets of flowers...just because. I want the proverbial cook in the kitchen and you know the rest...LOL. There is so much more that I could say, but let's chat!!

Ohhhhhh, kiddies! Your Auntie Jane is so excited! I thought I would never again get the chance to Touch Paul Bellini!

Pen Pal and Panties

2009-01-24T16:56:00.000-08:00

From our Esteemed Northeastern Correspondent:

Seeking pen pal and panties am in Iraq - 31 (Bagdhad)

31 white male educated
cute
funny
lonely
far from home
2nd tour
I won't turn anyone away sometimes it is really boring

Well. I mean, what a gosh-darn shame. Not only do our poor troops have inadequate weapons, armor and supplies, they don't even have panties!! Your Auntie Jane is going to send this poor soul a pair of her granny panties pronto. (The elastic's busted- I hope he won't mind.)

This American Hero didn't give us a picture, but I imagine him looking something like this:

Fat, hairy, loves guns

2009-01-24T14:44:00.000-08:00

Fat, hairy, loves guns, seeking same in woman - 38
I'm a chubby, hairy, 38 year old dad of two with a love of guns. I work tech support and live in a decrepit 4 bedroom house. Seeking a woman with similar interests. When I return from home I love to strip down to my kevlar thong, fry up a bunch of bacon, and watch war movies while cleaning my guns.

Must be able to braid backhair and reload .40.

Kids, your Auntie Jane has a confession to make. She finds this one just a teeny bit tempting. I mean, back hair AND bacon? Be still my heart.

Sure, a decrepit house, guns everywhere and two step-kids may not be what every girl is looking for. Some of you want security, attractiveness, a place to live without rats and roaches. So shallow, you modern girls.

Back hair guy? Call me!

BAD ASS WAR ANGEL OF GOD

2009-01-24T13:21:00.000-08:00

BAD ASS WAR ANGEL OF GOD SEEKS BAD ASS WOMAN ANGEL TO HELP FREE EARTH (I BELIEVE 2012 MARKS THE GREATEST DANGER)

Hi my Shawn and I was looking for a woman who might be interested in living in the wilderness for awhile with me. We could live like Native Americans, have horses, explore, worship, learn the old ways, seek the Holy Spirit, get strong, and just enjoy the beauty of creation and love. I have everything you can think of for survival, you name it, I probably have it. I believe 2012 marks a great change for civilization on our planet and you can see the letter I wrote on www.warningfromgod.com to our government. I promise you it is a true story of right and wrong, truth and freedom, life and death. You be the judge. Google it now, I don't want any money from you and I am not a freak about it, just giving everybody a friendly heads-up. Me: 5' 11" 170 organic drug and alcohol free action fitness endorphins fun real loyal honest really looking for a wife. I am free and strong because of God the Almighty. You are too. Thank you for looking and I hope to hear from you. Sincerely Shawn

I would like to thank Shawn for being our very first Boyfriend!

I tried to read his Warning from God manifesto, but Satan distracted me with something shiny. But if you have kept your body clean enough to resist the satanic alien-angels in the Matrix, (mmmm, Keanu, I cannot resist you) I suggest you take a look. After all, "You might tell yourself that you are doing just fine and even much better than me the way you are, and I would ask you what have you done lately to overthrow Satan?"

Really, ladies, what HAVE you done lately to overthrow Satan?

Your Auntie Jane had some Ovaltine.